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I am sitting here in office. I am back after a long break; long being 4 days straight at home. So, here i am sitting in office doing nothing (read: bench). Projects as such have dried up for my practice apparently and therefore i am sitting here doing nothing and wondering where my life is headed...

This thought just struck me when i was earlier talking to a senior colleague; her relative was a consultant and had a path charted out in front of him and knew what he wanted to do. An apparent contrast to that is my situation - i don't seem to know where I'm headed. It all appears like a directionless mess that i seem to be caught right now. Another thought strikes me at the same time that I'm being paranoid about the current situation, that i am overreacting to the current market trend with relation to the IT industry. That this situation is not going to be permanent and that my career shall take a particular direction that i intend to shape it into. Or rather i would know over a course of time what exactly i want from my life; what exactly i would like to achieve in this relatively small period except for making only money. Ok, making truckloads of money - that is one of the clearer agendas!

These are a part of my weird moody outlook towards life. One minute i am all smiles and the next I'm in a brooding mode wondering "what is it good for?"

But overall the overarching feeling of lackadaisical sense of direction to life is unnerving and the threat of the continuum does no positive. I really do need to feel positive towards life right now and stop thinking like this! It only depresses me and pushes me in the recesses as well.

But it is so difficult to do so! I am at conflict with myself as if there are two different people who are arguing with each other. I tend to argue over my own points and disagree with them after stating them. Its as if I'm inside a one act play with the protagonist and the villain both portrayed by me.

I shall have to indulge into creative pursuits otherwise there would be only this ongoing depressing feeling in the air that would sap me of any creativity and vigour.