The F word...

feel

felt - love, loved, pure, impure, sick, forgiving, magnanimous, rich, poor, little, big, responsible

fell - stand up, rise, conquer

fear - forever, ride, shine through

feat - breathtaking, achievement, self realisation

fame - short lived, heady

farce - life is, to some extent

fate - submit, drive, conquer

forge - ahead fearless

forever - love is,

forgive - the past

forget - the pain

family - comes first

foster - harmony, love, peace , sublimity

foal - family - extended

foolish - pursuit of material things 

Understanding or the lack of it

how do you define yourself?

Is there  a specific self definition; something that describes you, tid-bits of you to the outside world; to yourself...

my boss was ranting about his life - hes old and and has not done/ been a part of particularly anything spectacular in his life. He turned to me in mid sentence and said "you'll also end up like me..."

It stung - i laughed it off, but it stung

The realisation hit home few days later, i was having a discussion with a dear friend about a tattoo that I'm thinking of getting for myself.

"What do you stand for? What do you really consider really close to your heart? what do you think defines you?"

I was completely and totally lost, i could not think of it myself.

i was shocked that i had never even given it a thought - not given a thought to what i would like as a tattoo, but what i hold in the highest esteem.

I came up with family which was kinda lame because that i don't feel is a very unique trait - debatable - yes. But, I've never held anything dear in my life except for myself and my family. Which is intriguing and weird to think of when you do give it a thought; isn't there ANYTHING that i would hold in the highest esteem...

Am i going through life without thinking or am i thinking too much.

How does one go about defining ones life???

Ouuulll about Mohneeeayyyyeah!

It has been said that the lure of money is great. That greenish yellow piece of paper has captured the imagination of many men throughout the ages; and now it has caught my imagination as well.

I set off on the money trip a few days back when i decided to get some investment done. My outlook towards life earlier was - "have money, will spend". So, i came across as an unthinking brute with reference to money as such. The juvenile lack of understanding towards its actual value was unnerving as i retrospect. It still is to some extent but that's another; quite debatable; story. Realisation has set in a yesterday when i decided to look for some kind of accommodation in Bangalore.

things set off on the premise of a 2-BHK decent apartment with a balcony - good construction - AND in an upmarket central city area. The price was obviously whopping! (happy realisation)

And on another childish albeit suicidal whim - i decided to check the property prices in Mumbai - boy! was i in for a shocker!

(Note: The outstanding stupidity of this whole situation was the fact that i decided to pick the most unapproachable area of Mumbai - Napean sea Road)

And there i was staring unbelieving at the computer screen - Rs. 170,000,000 it said for a 2 BHK - Stellar... my teeny middle class brain had only one thought -

"People have that kinda money?"

and then it came to its ubiquitous middle class intelligent self and asked further

"if legitimate - then where'd all the money come from?" (we are not really discussing "otherwise")

and finally the grand finale

"How shall i amass all that wealth?"

the last one almost flashed across in a megalomaniacal way. Now, given my boundaries this was tending to world domination. Kids dream no?

And then maybe there was the culmination of all these happenings that a thought was born - of saving for the future, for making a mark in the monetary sense, for cornering a significant wealth of the GDP, for world domination!

OK, saving money was the operative word here, "drops form an ocean" - as the saying goes. The aim is to form an ocean; an ocean of money that i would be able to swim in from time to time when i am tired of playing pool on my favourite mahogany table sipping long island iced tea with babes in each arm. Ahhh....

Fantastic escapades of my imagination that are to turn to reality some day. Watch this space for more...

Show me the light-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

I am sitting here in office. I am back after a long break; long being 4 days straight at home. So, here i am sitting in office doing nothing (read: bench). Projects as such have dried up for my practice apparently and therefore i am sitting here doing nothing and wondering where my life is headed...

This thought just struck me when i was earlier talking to a senior colleague; her relative was a consultant and had a path charted out in front of him and knew what he wanted to do. An apparent contrast to that is my situation - i don't seem to know where I'm headed. It all appears like a directionless mess that i seem to be caught right now. Another thought strikes me at the same time that I'm being paranoid about the current situation, that i am overreacting to the current market trend with relation to the IT industry. That this situation is not going to be permanent and that my career shall take a particular direction that i intend to shape it into. Or rather i would know over a course of time what exactly i want from my life; what exactly i would like to achieve in this relatively small period except for making only money. Ok, making truckloads of money - that is one of the clearer agendas!

These are a part of my weird moody outlook towards life. One minute i am all smiles and the next I'm in a brooding mode wondering "what is it good for?"

But overall the overarching feeling of lackadaisical sense of direction to life is unnerving and the threat of the continuum does no positive. I really do need to feel positive towards life right now and stop thinking like this! It only depresses me and pushes me in the recesses as well.

But it is so difficult to do so! I am at conflict with myself as if there are two different people who are arguing with each other. I tend to argue over my own points and disagree with them after stating them. Its as if I'm inside a one act play with the protagonist and the villain both portrayed by me.

I shall have to indulge into creative pursuits otherwise there would be only this ongoing depressing feeling in the air that would sap me of any creativity and vigour.

Biking - An Alternative Approach

It is a wholly invigorating experience to sit on a bike and cross 100. 

There is the thrill - yes, but there is a sense of power also. Before i launch into this explanation, i must structure this emotion called biking.

At first, the process of getting onto the bike is savour-worthy. I say this because the destination or the exercise that ensues holds promise. Otherwise its pedestrian at best.

Turning the ignition and kicking the bike to the point that the engine settles in a low throaty grumble as if awakened from a deep slumber is exciting. Mind you - this process follows a fluid motion, a constancy that comes with time, a natural action like eating - your hand knows exactly where your mouth. 

The poetry pours forth as you tap into the first gear and set off, at first there is the movement, the weight of the bike transfers onto the rear wheel and the dashpots ease off lovingly; as you are pushed back gently. Physics was never so romantic!

When i say Gently - it is directly proportional to the open throttle. 

The throttle - It must be the most beautiful instrument invented by man,  it is...

A device used to increase the speed of the vehicle.

A device that influences the adrenaline levels of man.

A device to look down upon slow drivers.

A device to eat up road.

A device to challenge potentials.

A device to satiate the need to feel like God...

Back to terra firma; Quickly shifting through the gears; the goal is to settle into the gentle growl that emerges from the engine between 80 and 90. This is where my little beast is at its best. 

The non-mechanical beauty is of course the Wind, it whips past, there is no other word for it, it whips past making its presence felt as you try and wish it away so that your speed could increase.

It would be appropriate to introduce the concept of drafting here. At high speeds a vacuum cone is created behind the lightningly fast moving vehicle ;)

Entering that cone is equivalent to eating cheese. Ensconced into it, the growly whine that your beast is making because of being pushed to the design limit reduces, so does the drag. As you literally jump onto the vehicle in front of you. And just when you are sure; that any closer and both of ull be plucking harps; you move out of the cone...

and BAM!!!

The Wind starts screaming in your face!

 Your Engine decibel levels shoot as you struggle to maintain the the Speedo. Alas! That is not to be...

As your speed drops you stretch the throttle only to watch in dismay as the rpm crosses 9. You push it, and the poor thing gives up. The engine sezies and dies on you.

Redemption is by way of maintaining rpm between 8-9 and speeds at 95-105. Anymore and its screaming time.

Another exquisite stimulus is the high rpm low gear scenario, imagine a situation where you are approaching a red light and it is about to turn green, you are marginally far off and have shifted to a lower gear because of anticipation of stopping, but wait, you haven't shifted all the way to neutral, you are still at 2ND. And voila! its green, and the loser on the kinetic is making a dash for it, 

erm errr uhhm ... Excuse me mr. kinetic honda pushing loser, this is how its done...

A flick of the right hand wrist and my steed leaps in all earnest to tear away from the signal.

Eat my dust kiney!!

If there was ever a chance to play Mozart's soundtrack in a biking context, it would have to be during cornering, It is poetry in motion that would bring tears to the eyes of roadkill souls.

Curving road with those ubiquitous white markers, the speedo is reading 80 and some idiot on a tractor is limping his way on the slow lane...

You launch into the overtaking lane and run with the curving white markers, your speed is too much as you start to drift towards the divider; there are two options:

i. Reduce speed by letting go of the throttle/ braking.

ii. Keep going and crash into the barrier.

iii. Do it the right way.

(i know that's 3 you moron; you really wanna try "ii"???)

Out comes the knee as your careening bike rights itself gracefully and you start to flow with the curving road At this point man, machine, road, wind, sound all are one. 

It is a singular experience replicated by none. 

With this post, i hope to recruit believers, and thus my ode to Biking comes to an end.

Flipside/Flipside

It has been an uplifting experience to hold a musical instrument and get meaningful sound out of it as opposed to random strains. There is so much to do in this world rather than be influenced by various thoughts and actions of others and move into a domain that is hitherto unknown. Don't get me wrong, moving into new arenas is not bad, influence of other people at various stages is to a certain extent. 

I may be speaking for myself here and many may not subscribe to my views, but asserting oneself is what its all about here; to do for yourself than for anybody else. Selfish? may be... but selflessness is for the sadhus; not for me.

There seems to be a digression when i speak of selfishness and assertiveness at the same time but looking at my situation it becomes clearer as to what i talk about. Therefore i speak/spoke of perspective (earlier post). As how perspectives tend to change the thought process of the person.

So, subscribing to someone Else's views may or may not have its fallacy (because everything is relative) but doing your own thing is much better than anything else in the world. You hold yourself responsible and credit yourself for whatever good comes your way.

The flipside is the point where you have done and gone your way and it hasn't turned out so much as you hoped for in life, then one has to turn to others and listen to that classic refrain "I told you so..."

At that exact point you want to wring the other persons neck but you turn the other cheek instead. Plain sailing to rough seas, never is anything perennial. Experience it. Don't judge it.