Radha Rewind

She was just finishing the word document that her boss had dumped on her. This was increasingly becoming the norm with her boss. It was a rainy Friday evening.

Oh! how she hated him.

But, what she hated more was the fact that she did not have a sympathetic ear to talk to. She felt the loneliness around her magnified by the absence of that someone whose shoulder she could take support on.

And the sham she had to put up for all to see - God! it was too much!

The world had relegated her to a role which was 'a successful working woman' - sans emotion and fiercely competitive. She had to play the part. Shakespeare's quote of the world being a stage rang true in her head.

People would shy away from her, taking a look at her profile and and her aspirations.

She felt as if no one understood her.

The document she was working on stopped responding.

"Goddamn Word... hung again!" she thought exasperated.

In a flash of anger, very characteristic of her, she shut the laptop with a loud thud. That drew curious stares from her co workers.

"Go f*** yourselves!" she thought in her head. It must have shown on her face because the nearest guy staring at her hurriedly swiveled on his chair and dove back into his excel sheet.

She stalked out of the office and snapped at the evening security guard. A small voice inside her said otherwise but it was vehemently sidelined by what she was now.

She got into her car and noisily slammed the door shut.

"At least this is enjoyable..." she thought to herself sourly.

Flipping on the radio; she squealed out of the parking lot and into the mainstream suburban traffic.

"God must be a five year old, five year old's are sadists" she thought angrily.

Approaching the intersection, she was supposed to take a right turn home. Realizing that she'd never explored any other route from office - she decided to take the left. It seemed clear of traffic as well.

"So what if I'm half an hour late to home - not like any one's waiting!" she thought to herself gruffly.

Flipping ABS off - she speeded up on the lone stretch of road. It was a beautiful night. The moon was shining down on the wet road. It had just rained and there was  no one on the empty stretch of road. The milestones indicated that she was headed away from her home. But in her current state of mind - she was least bothered.

She kept on going, stepping on the gas. the tires began squealing in the corners as she took them at higher and higher speed.

"More performance.." she thought to herself as she flipped the air con off and rolled down the window.  This was her mantra in life - more performance - at any cost. The beautiful draft of wind that blew in the car cabin invigorated her.

But that did nothing to lift her mood up which was still sour at her boss. Life it seemed had been unfair to her. Her parents had paid more attention to her elder brother, not that he was an idiot. He was doing pretty well for himself in the States.

"Well, he had been sent there by Dad" she thought unkindly.

"otherwise he would have been an electrician or something"

"Couldn't he have spared enough money to send me as well" she thought angrily. The speed of the car picked up even more.

Her thoughts floated to the promotion that her colleague Naresh had just got.

"Bastard hardly works - keeps staring at me - bloody lecher - and gets a promotion. I know i work more than him - I KNOW!" she slammed the steering wheel with her hands. they hurt.

"I should have been a man - I would have torn this guy apart..."

"Why don't I just die..." she thought painfully.

There was a loud noise from somewhere behind her. For a second everything seemed fine...

And then, the car careened wildly - fishtailing on the wet and slippery road at high speed.

Realizing that a Tyre had burst, she fought with the car to regain control - slamming on the brakes - she forgot she had turned ABS off - the wheels locked up on the wet road. The car was an uncontrollable mass of metal traveling at high speed.

She was frozen solid with fear - as she saw a turn in the road. And a bright light engulfed everything...

"You asked for it..." she heard a gentle voice,

Radha could not see anything - it was too bright, she was squinting

"What the hell..." she thought to herself.

"No, not Hell technically. Not yet..." the voice answered reading her thoughts.

"It'll be pretty soon if you keep up at it..." continued the voice.

"Who...what...what the f***..." she was completely disoriented.

"My, my..." the voice said -

"We are grouchy - aren't we now..." 

The voice was getting a bit irritating now.

"Who are you?!" 

She finally shouted.

"God..." 

The voice said simply.

"God?!!!" 

She almost screamed.

"Yes" the voice said.

"Whats with the light?!! I cant even see you..." she picked up an arm to shield herself away from the light - only to realize she didn't have one. She looked down horrified to find no body .All she saw was a shimmering ethereal bluish - black wisp of smoke floating around where her body was supposed to be.

"Its called a soul..." the voice answered reading her thoughts.

"Listen dude..." she snapped...

"God..." the voice interrupted her.

"Yeah...whatever, and turn the darn light off!!" she was hysterical. There was a loud click and the bright light was off. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw a five year old kid with curly hair approaching. She recoiled in terror.

"Yo..you..you are God?!?!?!!" she was hardly able to get it out.

"The child gave a cute naughty smile. he was sprightly and had long silky hair. Fair and well built he came close to Radha. Radha floated away, her smokey body was turbid in appearance.

 The child suddenly turned into her Boss, and then into her father, and then into the security guard.

"STOP IT!!! PLEASE!!!" she was on the verge of tears. Or, within context, welling up water vapor.

"OK, OK.. i thought it would be a cool stunt. But do you get my point?!" the security guard asked. The voice had the same benign quality around it. It seemed to have a calming effect on her. She felt light as well - which felt strange.

"What point??!" she asked puzzled.

"Well, that I am everywhere! Your boss, your father, the security guard you snapped at this evening. Heck - even the imagined five year old..." the voice said.

"Are you showing off??" she asked pugnaciously.

"Look, i gotta wrap up here sweety. So be with me OK? I haven't got all night" the voice was still benign but there was an element of testiness in it now.

"OK..." she said meekly.

"Right! So, you have been dissing me for quite a while now...correct?" the security guard posed a question to her.

"Yeah..."she shrugged.

"I am not going to ask why because you have been telling me the same story for a million years! See, the plain and simple reason for your suffering is that you're being nasty to people."

"That's horseshit!" she exclaimed. And checking herself  "I'm sorry".

"Exactly my point, who in their senses would say 'that's horseshit' to something God's telling them?". the security guard rolled his eyes.

"Not many...and...I said, I am sorry" she said in a small voice.

"Wrong! all of you all" the guard said exasperatedly ignoring her apology.

"You'll are just plain mean to each other all the bloody time - and then say I am doing this! You think i have the time?!?!" he thundered.

"I gotta save humanity from dolts like you, and there are lots of them; billions in fact; everyone of you is a dolt on some level..." the guard looked pretty calm - surprisingly.

"Well, I am sorry..." she began.

"No, no, that's not good enough - Do you know - why you have a bluish-black smoky appearance?" he asked.

"No..."

"Because you always keep thinking dark despairing things!" he exclaimed.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah, be positive baby..." his voice softened. He continued.

"Listen, i really have to go, but remember, keep praying. And, stop dissing me heartlessly. I really don't like being called names. Not that ill do something nasty in return, I just like you too much..."

he almost finished...

"Oh yeah, another thing, when you pray - ask for what'll be good for you, not what you want - because you're just plain stupid in asking for the right things.." he smiled broadly. Just looking at the broadly smiling security guard made her feel warm all inside her gaseous state.

"Be good sweetheart...everything will fall in place..."

Before she could react - he stuck a hand inside her Smokey self. The smoke disappeared instantly. There was a loud click in the background as everything was engulfed in the same bright light.

She woke up as usual to the ringing alarm. She eyed the wall clock lazily. It was 8 a.m.

"What a weird dream" she thought hazily.

 "Heh...God - it seems..." she guffawed in her head.

She groggily made coffee and turned on the news. Her brain seemed stiff, almost zombie like.
There was a to-do list stuck with a magnet on the refrigerator.There was something scribbled on it with crayon. She took a closer look and squinted through glazed eyes - It had only two points
1. Be good
2. Pray
The handwriting looked like a five year old's.

"Must be the next door neighbor's son..." she thought stupidly.

She took one long swig of coffee and proceeded to spit it out all over the kitchen counter as she saw the date flashing on the ticker of the news channel. 

Friday 21st May.

P.S. - Due respect to 'Bruce Almighty'.

A Journey

People were filling up as the plastic air hostesses started announcing how glad they were that i had chosen to fly their airline.

I smiled. same old BS. Who thinks we are glad that these painted mannequins are this way? I looked away at the airport lights in the distance shimmering away. It was a wonderful although balmy Friday evening as the plane filled up with a myriad cast of people of several ages. Most of these were business travellers who were in Bangalore for some work or some high profile meeting judging from their suits. The air hostesses graciously took these suits off these folks, all well practiced. the people on the other hand
thanked them a wee bit grudgingly.

There were others, professionals like me who were returning to their homes from the IT capital of the country. Others were typically a bunch of people who had made their reservations some months in advance.  This group was chatting away merrily about the latest release and the latest gossip on the block.

I had as usual got the aisle seat and that meant being hit by the hefty luggage that passengers carried into the flight to load into the overhead compartments. The seat next to me was still unoccupied. The window seat had a chatty auntie that was virtually stuck to her phone. I shuddered to think of a conversation with her. I prayed fervently as well that she too wasn't looking to talk to me. The middle seat - It had to be a person who had no torso to fit into one of these seats of the budget airliners.

The very last person to enter was a slightly built man with flowing hair. He was wearing a white shirt and black trousers, very text book. He looked from seat to seat trying to find the number that he had been allotted and his gaze finally settled on the seat next to me.

"Great" i  thought. "no chick this time as well.."

He made his way through the aisle and requested me to move, a slight smile on his face. I smiled back, I'm sure my smile wasn't close to the warm smile that he gave me, I was still expecting some red hot bombshell to come sashaying down the aisle.
Instead it was uncle. It smarted!

He settled in comfortably into the seat. It seemed that he took the shape of the seat given the calm expression on his face. No one could have been so comfortable in his position. I was in no mood of conversation, he nonchalantly looked at me and made an attempt to fish out the newspaper from the seat back pocket.

The air hostesses closed the door and made the mandatory flight safety instructions. I looked around with a bored expression on my face. Even the air hostesses were uninspiring, most of them would look hideous if their faces were scrubbed clean of the plaster.
I wanted to get through the flight and home quickly.

"Going home?"

I did not want to talk.

"Hmmm..." I thought that that response would stop the flow. It signified that I acknowledged your question, but please don't take this forward. Didn't work.

"I am too...", he said.

I studied him, I had not seen him very well earlier. He had silvery hair and gold rimmed spectacles. His eyes were slightly blue, a calmness came over me.

I had no response. I turned back. It was strange to be sitting in the aisle seat of a crowded  budget airline with a gaggle of people chatting away, their decibel levels far from quiet and suddenly feel calm.

"You seem discontent...disturbed.." he continued as if reading the expression on my face.

I turned to him again, i did not want to speak right away. I just looked at him with furrowed brows. "What makes you say that?" I finally asked.

"I have increasingly noticed this in the younger generation." he continued ignoring my question.

"Let me guess he said - only child, living away from parents in a big city. Looking for emotional comfort...Profession demands certain sacrifices now. Does it not?"
He put the question to me.

My silence was getting a bit out of hand. I was a debater in my college and this dude was bowling a googly.

"Yes..yes.. yes..."  - I stammered; the third 'yes' totally gave my discomfiture away. He settled into reading his paper in with a satisfied smile.
I too looked away, this man sent a queer feeling in my brain. I did not want to explore it right away either.

"But isn't that a bit presumptuous?" I questioned him, trying to revive the debater inside of me.
"That's your ego speaking." he replied quickly.

I was taken aback. his bluntness hit me.
"What?!" I asked him incredulously and a bit hotly as well.

"Yes." he replied in his calm manner that was getting a bit irritating by now.
He did not offer any explanation. Rather, he went back to reading his paper. The auntie in the window seat that I had completely ignored till now, was sleeping. My - 'what?!' - made her fidget in her sleep.

The Air hostess came with nimbu paani. She looked bored, the evening flights did this to most of the crew. I picked one and thanked her for it. The man next to me took nothing and smiled at her warmly enough as he declined. She smiled back and it looked genuine!
In fact she smiled at him longer than she did at me (which smarted - again). Even her tired voice picked up after that and she seemed more jovial. I was surprised - would be an understatement.

He gave me another look and dove back into his paper. My discomfort knew no bounds. Here was a man who seemed to know more about me than i would rather let on; sitting right next to me, having some profound impact even on the plasticine air hostesses as well.

I deduced (wrongly) that this was some cocky guy who thought that reading 'The speaking tree' everyday in the newspaper allowed him in making such high and mighty statements. That mustered some confidence inside me and i spoke.

"I think you are the victim of a generation gap." I must have looked foolishly triumphant as he gave me a condescending smile and looked at me with the same warmth that he had shown to the air hostess earlier.
It did feel nice, looking at him smile benignly like that.

"Akshay..." he began, "a generation gap is with respect to the worldly likings of an individual. Deep down, we are pretty much seeking the same thing - All of us."

My mouth was open as i sat gaping there clutching at my seat belt. How in the bloody wide world did this guy i had just met know my name.

As if reading my thoughts, he continued, "Oh! and by the way, I read your name on the boarding card sticking out of your pocket."
I shut my mouth instantly. If this guy could calm you down with his smile, he could unsettle you with his words as well.

The flight took off. I never liked this part, the climb, it made me feel a tad bit uncomfortable. He on the other hand nonchalantly turned to the sports section. Disinterested he folded it up and put it back in the seat pocket as the flight banked towards the north.

"There is a truth and there are fabrications." he continued after the flight stabilised and the seat belt sign switched off. It's as if he never had stopped speaking.
"The truth is that we are all, you, that air hostess, this lady sleeping peacefully next to us, all, are looking for stability. much like this aircraft."

"Come to think of it, isn't our life like this aircraft's journey? You take off, unstable and shaky. Then slowly you settle down, still shaking from time to time, there is turbulence hitting you -"
and as if on cue, the plane shook buffeted by winds outside even as the seat belt sign blazed on again.

I did not like turbulence, everyone had a slightly concerned expression on their faces. Although, the plane quickly stabilised again.
"But calmness always returns..." he finished.

It sounded like a discourse; but given my situation, I was in rapt attention. he spoke softly, a slight northern accent to his speech.
"You only have to believe that there is someone at the front of the airplane. controlling it. the pilot. A guide that knows exactly where you need to go.; It might not be a straight line, it may be zig-zag; it may even take time..."
The speaker crackled and the pilot spoke about a flight delay due to air traffic conditions over Mumbai.

"See what i mean?" he looked at me enquiringly.
My speechlessness continued.

"You will finally reach your destination. Believe me. But sitting in your seat fidgeting over the delay - instead of enjoying the view out  of the window isn't the best way to arrive now, is it?"
he looked at me questioningly over his spectacles. I looked out across the snoring auntie and sure enough the moon was blooming through the clouds in all its grandeur.

"It could be worse, he said lowering his voice conspiratorially. You could probably sleep right through it..." he said motioning to the chatty auntie.

I could not help but smile at that, it felt like a prankster who was setting a lighted matchstick in sleeping persons toes.

"Relax and enjoy the journey." The pilot spoke on cue. I looked at the man, he gave a knowing smile as he fished out the in flight mag as he put the newspaper in.

I was lost in thought for a while as the pilot announced our imminent arrival. The man was, by now, asleep with the mag resting on his chest.

I had created a million questions on my mind by this time, but none of them really mattered in the simple analogy that he talked of.
"How do you believe? How does anyone believe? Is there proof? What about fate? what about destiny? What about life's unexpected twists and accidents?" i wanted to retort...

The plane landed and the lights came on. I waited for him to get up. I wanted to ask him all these questions. But now the people were all awake and the chatty auntie was back to troubling her poor cellphone and any unfortunate relative on the other end. I kept quiet not wanting to draw attention to what i thought was a weird enough conversation.

We deplaned and walked the tarmac over towards the waiting buses, I could not ask him over the roar of the engines of a passing Boeing - I boarded the bus that seemed pretty full. There was no place for him, i wanted to get off this bus to talk him about what I had in mind - I only caught this bit as the doors closed,

"there are no accidents...
You just have to believe."

He waved as the bus pulled off and another emerged to pick the rest of them up.
I did not see him at the baggage terminal, i waited for a while and then walked away - profoundly unsettled but a tad bit wiser.

Stillness

The trees are still
as if they wait for some occurrence.

The crowds, they mill
restive and disturbed.

They heave in unison
their patience boiling beyond control

but there is the one
who is wise and mired in the ways of ol'

He looks at the skies,
the light fails mockingly in the distance

But in him, he knows,
there is force to carry forth, a Constance

He steels himself to a fate unknown
there is much to teach and much more to learn

Yet the time is not to dwell upon such,
The time is to burn..

Burn...Burn all doubt and questioning
Burn...Burn all quake and quivering
Burn...Burn all fear and disbelieving
Burn...Burn all thoughts and thinking

And emerge Pure.
Purified in the fires of the Almighty God

Emerge from her womb
A Purpose, recognized himself by the lord

A predator, A hunter, An honorable soul
Perform, he will.
None other - would be his Goal.

Reign supreme, your fiefdom
O Lord, For this temple is yours.

Nothing but a sweet stillness & -

I am You;
You are I.