Ego

Why is it that rejection from any quarter permeates down to the core of your being and hurts you there. It also refuses to budge and stubbornly clings onto rusty ends to clog and subsequently disturb the balance. This phenomenon does not work in seclusion. It has to have ego as the main fuel with which it keeps running. Ego plays a macro role in disturbing an individual internally. It may seem that a person possessing no ego would be an ideal person. I guess all the sages of the past had attained that stage. We mortals make do with what tools we have. And there aren't many at that.

Ego is a very complex feeling to understand. Even more complex than love, (i may be speaking for myself) It turns you into an unfeeling beast or - putty, as the case may be. It overrides logic and undermines emotions. It forms the very core of certain individuals like me who may be fooled, simply by feeding their humongous ego's. Independent thinking running parallel to ego may save a person from these manipulations.

I am just rambling...

ESP???

I am a human being, i have thoughts, feelings, understandings, intelligence and an underlying consciousness that sees through frames of reference of my life that i cant fathom. Some people have a developed sense of awareness for their surroundings. These were, i guess, first identified by the Japanese and the Indians and were used in various different ways as was possible and as they deemed fit.

This eerie feeling of 'been there, done that' keeps coming to me for mundane activities. Its as if I'm living the dream i had a long time back. And believe me, you'd freak if you'd know exactly how the ensuing events were to unfold as if in a drama you were acting out.

Today, for a small part of the lecture, i sat frozen for nearly 15 seconds, as i exactly knew what the professor was gonna do, and what the response was gonna be from the class, the environment. Its surreal, fuzzy and translucent, but, its there, and,
Its damn eerie when something like that happens to you.

I do not claim to have ESP, but these things do build into your psyche, apart from feeling separate from the rest of the crowd, it also gives you an insight into the powers of the mind.

Not to mention that your life is following a script that has already been put into motion, a story where you are unwittingly the central character. Where the decisions you seem to make have already been made for you and the choices you exercise are already forecasted and subsequent repercussions been thought of. Tends to sway your thoughts towards things like 'destiny' and 'fate'.

And, makes life even more difficult for people like me who have always wanted to do their own things and move in one direction and have been swept aside into an altogether different one.

The web of introspection further complicates because of such occurrences.

The dominant thought : Emotions

i cannot bring myself to think about anything that i would like to write in particular about, be it the quirks of men or the machines that they have built, or, be it the pursuits of woman and the games that they play. Be it history or science, there are a lot of subjects that are floating around in my mind in an ethereal state that putting my finger on a single subject would require serious deliberation.
The emotions that i face in everyday situations and the culminations of which have been witnessed by my blog; also, the emotional baggage that i have been carrying around for a long time; has found its release in this space. A cathartic release, if i may say so. It comes to my notice that, predominantly, emotions do make up a great part of my writings. (now i am being cocky - writings?)
Science is another field that intrigues me to a very great extent. Applied to humans, it augurs well with my interest, just yesterday i was watching this show about babies' responses to stimulus. intriguing viewing i might add.
Spirituality is another field that grabs my interest; not that i watch GOD channel or AASTHA channels regularly, but the 'above and beyond' fascinates me. A book called 'laws of the spirit world' coupled with another - 'Cosmos - Carl Sagan' and the most celebrated scientific author 'Stephen Hawking's - A Brief History of Time' would create an phenomenal sensation in the scientific, biological and the spiritual world.

These rambling thoughts just add to the entropic being called Akshay.

i wanna fight..
a plain fist fight
take my fist and ram it in my opponents jaws
i wanna feel the jerk, i wanna feel the contact, i wanna feel my head pound...hurt
i wanna hurt

wind

She appears out of nowhere
but her sweet fragrances permeates everywhere
the trees sway merrily with her
their branches embrace her lovingly
birds fly away confused as she plays with them
even as the drying wheat fields ripple at her behest

She goes into a window and blows away a sheaf
moves on and tosses a cap
sweeps through the country side whipping grass
and alights onto a silvery cloud,
as it shies away from her...
she laughs heartily and tears well up
falling down upon on the parched earth
Soaking it wet..

Stealing time

I'm pooped today, damn tired, but the pull of putting finger to key is too great. Just finished reading Maximum City. Stealing time out of routine has become an art of sorts. Be it, reading the tabloid in the loo to reading financial papers in the train, it all just fits in my life like jigsaw pieces. Roaming through life, too dazed to think makes me feel helpless and snatching these tiny breaks from it gives a great sense of achievement. though after taking time out of my sleep to Blog does have its demerits; that; manifests itself on the attendance sheet in college. That reminds me, i have got to get my blacklisted ass hauled to college at 9 sharp. Damn!! The routine wins the war every time...

The race to Rome

All roads lead to Rome...
The sweat and the blood pours along
the rattled path pitted and oft scarred...
spattered with the agony of a thousand lives
humanity trudged upon night and day...

"do not hesitate, but pass along
or u too shall fall;
Every man for himself"

...loneliness gnaws
and so does hunger
my soul yearns to rebel
only to be subdued by the cold logic:
all roads lead to Rome...

Music, My Soul

Dire straits is the best thing that has happened to me. The music is so surreal, it transports you to a whole new dimension. The best place to listen to Dire Straits is in transit. At 11 in the night, hangin' out of a train with the wind in my hair...n-i-c-e.
Especially 'am in love with the song 'On every street'. The sense of music is a gift and to place these eclectic mix of instruments together to create not only an experience but a sensation; marks out an individual track from the others. I have this familiarity factor playing on my mind for songs. I just like certain songs, even if they aren't mainstream. I have also noticed, that the best compositions of any group that i come across find only a handful, that i am in favour of. Its just that with me, if i take to a song, i give it my heart and soul, it becomes an anthem for me.
'Breadline' by Megadeth is by far the only song i have been listening to for more than 4 years now...almost everyday. The wail of the lead guitar in the dying seconds of the song enervates me. My fingers start dragging on strings fashioned out of thin air.
looney??
Ah aem a wee bit looney 'bout mah muscik...

Here goes to all those tormented by C++

life is like the main function,

irony is that its always void!

unnecessary functions invoke presumption,

unknown classes muscle their way,

and, after struggling

it'll compile 'n' run its way,

but ultimately...

debugging's gonna take your life away!!!

And the threads come undone...

“I think there’s no future”
Sadness envelopes me in its grip
Only to be evaporated by the heat of contempt
The hatred born out of friendship and trust betrayed
Blackness envelopes my heart,
This same heart;
Which for a moment was alive …
As the knife of my thoughts plunge deep into that soul
Blinded by hatred, I forego logic
And conspire the tragedy that is life
Friends laugh,
And their mirth augments my dark being
Never have I harbored such pure hatred
As I do now
Seared by random reminders…
I flinch at painful memories
Duck, run and hide for long
I struggle to wait, For,
The rains shall come again
And wash away those memories etched,
I shall love again

QIII

Bullets sing past my ears...
One finds me in the chest
Blood spurts from my wounds
And pounds in my brain…
I scream expletives...
more at myself than at the enemy..
for i have fallen prey..
I carry the wounds and flee...
Flee from gore-thirsty vectors...
licking at flesh and tearing bones
turning comrades to Ash…

I scan through the haze
Spy Major camping in a corner
And bring crosshair and head in line
Depress…
blood spurts in a singular bright rainbow...

HEADSHOT!!!

Redemption…

I love quake III

Destiny

He was walking down main road at the dead of the night. The hour had struck one and there was no hustle and bustle on the street. Surprising, he thought, at this time there are always a lot of things going on. Why not tonight, he wondered, maybe that there was some kind of curfew that had this effect on the populace. He had always defied convention and gave a raucous laughter.
Why he wondered,
What was there to laugh about?
Was it the bitterness that filled his heart and made him hate the world or was it this characteristic of his to defy convention again. Again and again and again. He did not have enough to go on and to be trapped in this thought cycle anguished his senses to no extent. He told himself to sort out his own thoughts. What did he have to do?
“First Id like to know why I laughed the way I did”…he wondered…
He was convinced!
He had laughed at the timidness of these cowards! These insects with their small insignificant lives being ruled over those who knew. Knew how to manipulate the lives of the pestilence called humanity. He spat on the sidewalk. He hated everything. And he hated hunger the most. It reminded him about the small piece of bread that he had tucked away somewhere in the torn trouser he was wearing.
This was the end.
But a voice inside him said NO!

It’s not over yet... There is still time... time to smell the sweet salty air of the sea, time to gaze at the clouds in the sky, time to observe the waves come rushing at the shore only to break on the wall that was made by men.
Men! Why did they have to interfere with gods creations! Why did they have to do what they did. Then a thought occurred to him.
Wasn’t he breaking the same type of rules that these men were breaking. But he was only a man! Thought he. Men cannot be gods! So why confirm to their guidelines. Why follow their ideals. Surely they were not gods.

Preoccupied with these contradictions, he stumbled, looked down and found a stone. He bent down and picked it up.
He heard someone behind him. He spun around to face the person. A short stout policeman was standing behind him looking at him warily but incredulously. What are you doing?? Get out of here!!
He moved on. All his life he had moved on. And he did again. His mind fought with him. He wanted to turn around and club the policeman. How the hell did he dare to talk to him such a fashion?
And then something snapped.
Something had gripped him form inside as his body started doing what he had known before. He was spinning on his heels, his arms raised and the stone, now a deadly weapon aimed at the head.

Exactly five minutes later, reality dawned, what had he done! Whatever that he had read, told by others, experienced, studied, believed in had all melted away. He had done the unthinkable. He felt cold. He felt empty. A deadly stillness was there in the air. He got up and looked at his bloody hands. Not struck with horror, but as if he had just dirtied his hands with mud and casually tried to flick them away from whatever there was. When that did not work he wiped them on his trousers. And, walked away.

His act had shaken him. Not in a sense that would cause him grief. It had opened up a whole new dimension. He was never like this. All his life he was a kind hearted gentleman who never raised a finger on anyone. A loving god fearing human being, who believed in doing good to others. The past few months had told him otherwise. There was no good in this world. With these thoughts he went to sleep under the rail bridge. His dreams took him back to the village. His family, his sister, his father toiling away in the parched fields, under the blazing sun, fighting against inevitability. He had not wanted that life and moved to the city, lived in the slums that many of his people had and still were living in. traveled in jam packed local transport. All the while enduring these inhuman conditions with a smile on his face. He had done everything that a good caring son, a great father, and a loyal husband should do. Then the unthinkable happened.

He awoke with a start, the same bloody dream. He thought with exasperation. By now his hands had caked with the blood. He found water from spouting out of the partially leaking water pipes running under the bridge and cleaned himself; more from the memories of the last night than the dirt. His life had taken a totally different turn. No longer could he move about without his guilt overbearing upon him. Wherever he looked, he saw accusatory eyes staring down upon him. He could not speak of his guilt to anyone. Not even to god. Though he understood that any kind of remorse would not change what he had done.
Yesterday’s events did not feel as vivid in his mind as they felt now. The ruthlessness of his actions struck him. He could never even imagine himself to be so violent. And last night had brought that violence to the fore. But something in him told him that to live in this world; this was the path that he must follow.
His subsequent barbaric actions against the common man struck him and pierced his heart to no extent, there still was the god fearing, gentle soul that was so ruthlessly relegated to a corner to make space for the new element that had firmly taken root.

An element of survival that reigned supreme over all the other human emotions, which overrode all these and eventually turned a god fearing mortal into something unrealistic. Though level headed, he had turned a cold blooded and calculative executer. No emotions resided in his heart only a single minded pursuit of the ordinary goal that all human being fall prey to - money.